The beauty of life.....

This blog post will be honest and open. A bit embarrassing BUT unashamed. It will speak truth and it may be a bit jumbled. Here we go. 

One of the first things you should know about me is that I'm a great big over thinker. I over analyze EV-ERY-THING. I think about the pros, the cons, possible outcomes, what if's....it's horrible. The bad thing about this is that I tend to do it to myself. 

I'm going through one of these self pity mommy moments. You know the ones. Hopefully anyways. I hope some of you can relate with me when I say that's it's pretty hard to see friends old and new alike accomplishing things left and right. Following their dreams and achieving success all the while you feel like you are stuck in the revolving door of life. Stuck in the same place, going round in circles and not really achieving anything. I have my moments where I feel like such a failure. It's especially hard at the end of a bad day where your children were acting like gremlins and your at your whits end. You sit down and look around at your messy house, the dishes piled up, your children are screaming and fighting, you are grimy because you haven't had a shower, you haven't had a moment to yourself (NOT even in the bathroom) and your energy is zapped. No motivation but to sit there in self pity with the urge to cry. Yup. I've been there. 

This mothering business is hard stuff. 

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting with a very close friend in the lobby of our church expressing these feelings to her. Her words to me went along the lines of.....

"What do you mean you haven't accomplished anything?! Your an amazing photographer. You've got a beautiful voice. Your artistic and creative. Most of all your an amazing mommy to two beautiful boys. Your helping to raise future men. God fearing men with honor and respect and who chase after the heart of God. That is one of your greatest accomplishments ever."

Sometimes you just need someone to spell it out for you. It's like a light bulb went off. Ding ding ding! I may not be accomplishing things such as getting a promotion but when my boys tell me "Your the best mom ever" that's a promotion in my eyes. I may not be out there chasing after my dreams or traveling the world the way I'd like to but getting the opportunity to see things from their perspective? Priceless. When I see them praising the Lord in the car or hear them singing worship songs I am reminded that God entrusted these two little gents to me and I'm doing a mighty fine job.

It doesn't mean it's not full of it's miserable moments but at the end of the day when my two little tornadoes storm to their beds and I hug them and kiss them goodnight.... It's all worth it. It becomes so clear. I'm reminded of my priorities. My strength is renewed. My mommy chart has all of it's shiny golden stickers and I have a moment where I think..."I am mommy. Hear me roar." =D 

Be Silly. Be Honest. Be Kind.

You know. I have a love hate relationship with this blog. I love it when I can keep it updated but hate updating it when using other social media is just way easier. Oh well.... I'll work it out......eventually.  =D Till then I wanted to take a moment today and share the experiences I've had with my oldest son Aiden. This is the child that turned me into a mother. This is also the child that put the fear of the living God in me. He was born 1 week overdue in the afternoon on August 6, 2008. I was in labor for about 14 hours. There were several complications. His heart beat kept slowing down due to the cord being wrapped around his neck. I got a fever during the labor process and the doctor was worried about that. I was on oxygen and was in and out the whole time. At one point I vaguely remember hearing her say that if he didn't hurry up and come out they would have to use a vacuum and if that didn't work they mentioned an emergency c-section and sure enough they did end up using the vacuum.  Nonetheless, out he came. Straight to the baby doctors he went. Not crying. Pale. Low body temp. When I heard that first gurgle followed by his howl.....those were the best sounds I had heard in my life! He didn't get to stay with us long since his body temp was low and they wanted to leave him baking under lights but he was good. He was safe. And so that is how our Aiden was born. 7 1/2 lbs and 21 1/2 inches long of nirvana. 

Now I'm not going to sit here and write saying that it was an amazing experience to raise him. It had it's dark moments from the ages of 2-4. Aiden has always been my spirited loud crazy rambunctious child. I remember times when I would call my best friend crying my eyes out because I didn't know how to handle him. I didn't know what to do. I felt like a horrible mother. I couldn't even handle my own child. Those were frustrating dark times for me. There were days I was convinced I wasn't cut out for this whole mothering gig. I wanted to run away. Just wanted to run away. But then something started happening. His behavior started shifting. He started having more great months. The good started outweighing the bad and now here we almost 6 years later and even though this child has his moments I am proud of the young boy he's becoming. The Lord reveals things to me all the time through him. The most recent being be silly, be honest, be kind.

As many of you know I am a school bus driver and work with special needs children. My boys go to work with me. Aiden has a beautiful heart. He doesn't judge these children or treat them differently because they are different. He doesn't see any of that. If you were to ask him he'd tell you that, that's the way God made them and it's ok. God made everyone different but inside we are all the same. This last week at work before school let's out for the summer I've been observing him. He's made 2 friends on the bus this year. A girl and a boy. Both older than him and both with different varying situations. Aiden brings his Star Wars toys and plays with the boy every day. They play and play. Afterwards when the boy get's off he'll play with the girl and her stuffed animals that she brings. When it's time to get off they hug and say bye and all's good. He doesn't see them differently. He doesn't stare. He just doesn't care and I love that. 

I've learned to be silly through him. Sometimes as adults we take things so seriously it's ridiculous. Take some time today tell your kids, hubby, friends a joke. Run around the house and act like dinosaurs. Just. Be. Silly. I can guarantee that after your done that thing you were overthinking about and stressed so much about that it turned into mountain is now just a speck of dirt in the greater scheme of things. I've learned to be honest through him. Sometimes as adults we are worse than children. We internalize. We don't want to talk. We keep it bottled in. We stomp our feet, shake our fists at the sky and whine (Guilty!). things would be so much easier if we were  honest. Honest with ourselves, with others. So, take a moment today and be honest about something. Afterwards, up the ante everyday. I promise you'll feel lighter. The last thing I've learned is to be kind. It's so easy to walk around feeling like Oscar the grouch. Mad and bothered with everyone and everything. Grumbling and mumbling. I wonder what would happen if you held that door open. If you let that struggling mommy ahead of you in line at the grocery store. If you said kind words. We don't know everyone's story and they don't know ours but little acts of kindness go a long way. 

That amazing soon to be 6 year old  boy who scared me to death, who made me question my sanity, who loves me so unconditionally and who has the most beautiful heart is all mine. He may not realize it but the things that are spoken and taught through him are amazing to me. He's my little piece of Nirvana.

Be Silly. Be Honest. Be Kind.

Updates, updates

This post is about 3 months late. I know. Little man turned 3 in July, Big man turned 5 in August.  I still can't believe it. They were so tiny in my arms not even a month ago. Feels like it anyways. =D I interviewed them for their birthdays, I cannot wait to see how their answers change overtime....

Here are my two little gents in all their big boy birthday glory....

UGH. The cuteness is just too much! =D 

Here are their birthday interviews....

Aiden:

Liam:

And then he DIED!

My kids are OBSESSED with The Croods. Like, majorly. I love the movie, it has a great story to it. Little man has been watching it on and off this past week. I think it was Monday or Tuesday....Big man was at school and in our home you could hear the croods in the background. As I was making lunch for Little man he was sitting at the table playing with his dog Alex. I asked him what Alex was doing and he started making him jump up and down and dance and in his little voice he said "doggy is dancing mommy!" I said, "that's great buddy!". All of a sudden he lifts his dog in the air and slams him hard into the table and yells "and then he died!" Needless to say he caught me off guard! He looked at me and laughed and I asked why doggy died and he said.... 

"Because he was curious."

 If you've seen the croods then you know the dad tells this story all the time..... the premise is that if you get curious and try something new you die. Little man and I ate lunch and he went on his merry way but then it got me thinking. As a parent, it's so easy for us sometimes to quell that curiosity in our children. Whether it be because we are tired, stressed, etc.  I know I've done it on more then one occasion  It's the end of the day and I'm exhausted and big man might ask me "Mommy, where do the garbage trucks go when they are done?" "Why do they go there?" "Where does the garbage go?" On and on and on. All I want to do is relax and so I take the lazy way out. I may tell him I don't know. Ask your dad. I've got a headache. Lame, lame, lame. Could you imagine how BORING this generation rising up would be if their curiosity was never piqued and indulged? It'd be a nation of mundane robots doing mundane tasks. 

The great thing with this young age is that curiosity comes naturally to them.  But, along with being curious comes anxiety because so much of the world is foreign to them. Faced with the unusual, unknown, unfamiliar, and uncertain, children might feel curious, they might feel anxious, or a little of both. How our children regularly handle this conflict between their feelings of curiosity and feelings of anxiety will determine how they feel about themselves and what they do with their lives. Do they explore or escape? Do they strive toward dreams and aspirations or work hard to avoid failing and making mistakes? All we need to do as parents is rise to the challenge to cultivate strong, curious and creative children. Here are six steps to do that. (Parent's take note, these may come in handy for us as well. )

1. Let's teach them to be flexible thinkers and doers! 

There is never one way to do something to get the end result. There are always different paths that lead to the same goal. We don't need to be cookie cutter and follow the crowd. What's the fun in that? For example.... David Beckam and Ronaldo do not kick the soccer ball the same way but yet they both make the same goal. It's all about the approach.  Let's not ever be afraid to step out of what's considered the norm and make our own way.

2. Let's stop judging people! 

They will make new friends along the way. They already have friends they've known forever. We often think we know someone very well, whether it be someone we've known for ages or a new acquaintance, what we tend to forget  is that we are limited by what they want us to see, what we want to see in/of them and vice versa. The unknown is far greater than the known. Let's teach them to always be open and remain curious, to never fall prey to stereotypes, to continue learning new things about people and to always be open to making new friends. 

3. Let's provide an environment that supports their independence!  

Children are more curious and find it easier to persist in the face of obstacles, and are more creative when they are given support to make personal choices. Try to make sure that the bulk of activities in their lives rolls over into their interests and give them challenges that push their skills to the limit. If not, they will fall victims to boredom and worry. Children need to feel a sense of ownership over their own actions instead of feeling controlled like "puppets" by pressure, guilt, and the rules and regulations of us adults. If you need your child to do something, provide a rationale reason for why the activity is useful, important, and valuable to them. Help your child find a meaningful, personal connection and they can transform boredom and apathy into curiosity. Pressure your child, focus on obedience, and try to control them and they are likely to rebel and be confrontational to reclaim their freedom (adults are no different). When parents attempt to identify their child's interests and be responsive to what they care about, curiosity has a chance to flourish. Right now one of big mans major major interests is that he wants to be a paleontologist. Now, I know he's 5 and he will probably change his mind a gazillion times, maybe he won't, but I've decided to indulge this.  We watch discovery channel dinosaur shows, we've dug for fossils, we've made dinosaur food, we've gone to the museum. If I need him to do a chore or maybe even homework I relate to the dinosaurs. This helps him. Everything is fun and made into a game. He's a very independent child and I want him to continue to do so. I give him responsibilities  and jumps right in BUT if he's being forced, it won't happen.  =D

4. Help your child feel competent! 

Praise and constructive feedback are your friends! Have you ever started something new? For example, when we moved churches my husband and I decided to volunteer with our new churches worship team. They scheduled us to play and sing at their newest site which also happens to be a mobile site. That means that everything, and I mean everything, is put up and taken down every Sunday. I've never had to connect cables before and the day that we got there and everyone was connecting stuff, putting together instruments and I just stood there feel SO incompetent. I know that I sing in a mic, I know how to turn the wedge on, I know how to control my volume levels BUT I didn't know how to set all that up until the worship leader showed me how to. Same goes for children. They need to feel capable of comprehending that complex thing that got their attention. As humans we have a basic need to feel competent and if children don't feel this way they will flee rather then explore! Creating opportunities for skill-building and success is an important process. One way to do this is to allow time for play, free of constraints such as the fear of failure and mistakes. Like I said before.....Praise and constructive feedback are your friends!

5. Be your child's safe haven! 

In order to experiment with new ways of thinking and acting, we need to feel safe. At any age, we are more curious when we possess secure, safe havens -- other people that support our explorations, who let us effortlessly be ourselves. Also, when we share our interests with other people and they listen and are responsive, these events become even more interesting and meaningful to us. When other people validate what makes us curious, we literally become more curious and want to pursue similar activities with greater enthusiasm. Provide this support system for your child. Be responsive when your child shares past explorations or future plans with you. If they feel uncomfortable, let them know that anxious thoughts and feelings are natural when trying new things and taking on just manageable challenges. When you are accepting of their negative feelings, they will learn to do the same. Not only will you enhance their curiosity and tolerance of pain, you will also strengthen your relationship with them.

6. Schedule challenges once in awhile! 

Far too often, we select activities for our children that are easy for them to perform because we want them to feel intelligent and in control. Help them select activities that require them to stretch their skills and knowledge to the limit.  Sometimes they just need to be tweaked. For example, big man loves to cook. Instead of following a recipe I'll let him get creative with the ingredients, I'll blast music or I'll even step to the side and let him do everything his way. By repeatedly being curious, our children become more open to new experiences, more comfortable dealing with tension and anxiety, and more intelligent, wiser, and resilient.

Our children can't feel good all the time but they can almost always be profoundly aware, open-minded, and curious. With this mindset, they are liable to catch happiness, meaning in life, wisdom, and plenty more!  

Now, I know I'm not an "expert" and blah blah blah but these are things I'm working on with my boys and hope you consider it as well. I think it's time we change the way our society thinks, honestly, it's not getting us anywhere. Lets rise up some world changers! 

Regret and overcoming it

It's been quite some time since I've posted in here. It so hard to keep this updated when Facebook is just so much handier BUT I'm back at it again. Fingers crossed it sticks this time! Anyways, I've had something on my mind today that I wanted to share. It feels like it's kind of heavy for a "Hey! I'm back!" post but, oh well....  =)

REGRET. I've had this on my mind for quite some time. It's very easy to allow regrets over things I've said or wished I had said and things I've done or wish I had done to steal my joy, peace and hope. 

"I wish I had a closer relationship with my now deceased grandparents." 
"I wish I had never said that to my then best friend. I miss her." 
"If only I had done things differently." 
"If only I had not done this or that." 

After awhile it becomes the anthem, the steady drum beat in my head that with each passing thump beats my peace into pulp. 

The definition for regret: 

re·gret

riˈgret/

verb

1. 1.

   feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, esp. a loss or missed opportunity).

   synonyms:

   be sorry about, feel contrite about, feel remorse about/for, be remorseful about, rue, repent (of), feel repentant about, be regretful at/about

I also noticed that the word repent is one of the synonyms for the word regret. I guess this makes sense in one way; it’s the same thing to feel regretful and repentant (over something we’ve said or done). But, from the Christian point of view, there’s a contradiction between the definition of regret and the synonym of repent. The definition says that regret is “beyond one’s control or power to repair,” but the Bible repeatedly tells us that repentance is the “power to repair” (regrets, guilt and shame). I just had this thought: If regretting and repenting were synonymous, repenting of something we regretted would be redundant. 

Paul wrote; “…the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world (by Webster’s definition) produces death.” (spiritual, emotional and even physical death) (2 Corinthians 7:10)

Take Judas and Peter. They both felt regret from denying God but handled it in different ways. 

Judas: Matthew 27: 3-5  He regretted betraying Jesus but he didn't repent for his betrayal. It ate away at him and he hung himself.

Peter: Mathew 26: 69-75 Peter regretted  denying Jesus. He wept, repented and moved on. 

I started thinking about this. Rolling it around in my head you know? God wants me to be happy. The past is the past. Thinking of all these woulda, coulda, shouldas is only eating away at me slowly. But, how do you overcome them?? 

1 John 1:9... "If we confess our sins he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

 In your heart of hearts you need to truly believe that. You do that and you'll get to a place when your  regrets no longer have the power to control your emotions; you’ll begin to put them into perspective by understanding how God is making good result from your failures. Quit allowing them to attack your mind as a force! #1, it will beat it to a bloody pulp, #2, it's not healthy and #3, it sucks! Divide and conquer my friends. If it's something that can be easily fixed, do it. If you feel regret because you owe someone money. Pay them back. If you hurt someone. Apologize. I know that these things should be pretty common sense but as humans sometimes we have thick skulls. =D Take the action needed to resolve that regret! That is what's called " the conviction of the Holy spirit". Solve these and you are on your way to having a guilt free relationship with the big man.  (1 John 3:21)

Regret for things said and done to loved ones who aren't here is hard. Trust me I know. I could count till I'm blue in the face the times I've wished I had reached out to my grandparents more, to my uncle more. I FEEL regret that I never told them I loved them more. Never reached out. I never apologized for things I might have done or said that had hurt them. I can't fix those things now. It's not easy to do. I have to be satisfied with  knowing that they probably don't want me walking around with that burden just as I wouldn't want my family and friends to have that burden when I've passed. I need to forgive myself inside and move on. 

Thinking about when God let his only son die on a cross for a sinner like me..... did he feel regret knowing that he sacrificed his son so that someone so undeserving could live??  Or how about Jesus, him dying on that cross....  It's like us telling him that his suffering and death wasn't enough to take away our sins and mistakes. All in vain? What would have been the point? 

Us letting our regrets steal our joy and peace. Killing ourselves slowly. Not seeking forgiveness. That would be like him dying in vain. 

What would be the point of living in a vicious cycle like that if there was no light at the end of tunnel? We would die like Judas. 

Don't let your regrets rule your life! Be like Peter. Cry if you need to cry. Scream and kick if you need to but repent, fix it and be set free.  =)

1. 
   

   • noun

26 act's of kindness....

Via Ann Curry on Twitter.... "Imagine if all of us committed to 20 mitvahs/acts of kindness to honor each child lost in Newtown. I'm in. If you are RT #20Acts"

I know you all are as upset and distraught over what happened in Newtown as I am. I am mad. I am frustrated. I am ready to see change happen NOW. But, I get completely overwhelmed when I begin to think about all that has to be done to chan

ge gun regulations and help those with mental health issues. I saw a tweet from Ann Curry encouraging others to do 20/26 acts of kindness in memory of those that lost their lives at Sandy Hook. So, while I may not be able to lobby for gun control I can do a small act of kindness in memory of those 20 babies and the 6 heros that died while trying to protect them. I will say each of their names out loud because they were people with dreams and aspirations and had people who they loved and people that loved them. They are not just victims.

Charlotte Bacon, 6
Daniel Barden, 7
Rachel Davino, 29
Olivia Engel, 6
Josephine Gay, 7
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Dawn Hochsprung, 47
Madeline Hsu, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
Jesse Lewis, 6
James Mattioli, 6
Grace McDonnell, 7
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Emilie Parker, 6
Jack Pinto, 6
Noah Pozner, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Mary Sherlach, 56
Victoria Soto, 27
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6

I am going to do this with the boys. I don't think they are capable of fully understanding the gravity of the situation but they do understand kindness. My heart breaks when I think of what these parents are going through. I look at my children and cannot FATHOM. And to hear the Westboro Baptist is going to protest the vigil for the victims tonight "to sing praise to God for the glory of his work in executing his judgment." Makes me sick to my stomach! I charge each and every one of you to #1, turn off the news to stop hearing about this sick man who is being glorified and made "infamous"! So much news, etc. about him. He was sick in his mind and wanted to go out with a "bang". Let's not pay him anymore attention! #2, as you pray tonight say each and every name out loud. These adults and children existed. They each had hopes and dreams and were taken away from this world far too early. #3, do 26 acts of kindness in their names. It doesn't have to be big. Just do it in remembrance of them...Who joins me?

Our first act will be in honor of EMILIE PARKER. Her father said she was "Quick to cheer up those in need of a smile, Emilie never missed a chance to draw a picture or make a card." 

In honor of Emilie the boys and I will be making Christmas cards and taking them to the hospital for children who are sick. 

Family Christmas Shoot!

Quick post about our family Christmas shoot!

For everyone asking...YES. I took the pics. Coordinated everything, etc. Couldn't have done it without the help of my awesome hubby. Here are our family pics. Happy Holidays!